Relationship » Then Heather Said

Passions, False Promises, & Living with a Boy

Posted by Heather at 11:01 am Ramblings, Relationship

Jan 252012

This past summer, I decided to take a serious attempt at shifting from a “to-do” mindset, to a “to-be” mindset. A lot of little changes and generally just being more aware of the way I live helped make this a reality. I looked at how I respond to things, my planning nature, choices I make, the people in my life and mostly, what makes me truly happy, and made changes where I saw necessary in order to try and, to use a popular phrase, “live my best life now.”

The to-be mindset lasted well through the summer, into autumn. I went on a serious passion hunt not long after Halloween, and was especially motivated to connect my passions and the choices I make in living my life. I have always been able to tell you what hobbies, activities, and subject manners spark a fire deep within my soul. These are the things I could talk about for hours, which give me that goofy smile, and add all kinds of excitement to my heart during discussion.

Identifying these passions was only the first step, though. It’s an important one, for sure!, but it wasn’t that long ago when I realized that simply talking about these passions wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to PURSUE these passions. When I was reminded that I need to create space in my life for my passions, it was as if my entire world shifted. It seems a bit silly, completely cliché and perhaps worth an eye roll that a motivational quotation on a sticky note seemed to make all the difference in my life.

With the desire to connect my time and energy with my passions, I also shifted my mindset once more. While talking to Nick*** one evening, I brought up the shift from to-do, towards to-be. He asked me a simple question which shifted my thinking once again. What about just “do” and “be”? Touché.

That’s where I am now. I am trying to BE PASSIONATE. I am trying to DO things which accompany my passions. I think this is good advice to anyone. It doesn’t matter WHAT the passions are that I am focusing on, or how much they differ from your own passions. No one passion is better or lesser than another. What is important is that you are chasing whatever it is. That you are being passionate, and that you do something about it. Go. Be. Do.

You know one thing I’ve always been guilty of since day one of this little blog space? Follow through. Admittedly, I SUCK at saying “I’m going to talk more about this” and actually, you know, talking about it. It seems to me that over and over again I say “I’m going to tell you all about this” and really should add “…seven months later!” to the end. I’ve promised you, “ I want to share about X, Y, and Z” but what I mean is, “eventually.” I tell you to “stay tuned to THS because I’ll cover that soon! “ but I’ve come to realize that I lie to you time and time again.

It’s never on purpose. I always have the INTENTION of writing more, answering questions, diving into the subject, and clearing things up – but apparently, my desire to stop writing forced posts and only write and publish what I am honestly motivated and inspired to write without pressure takes priority over my word. I have compromised my integrity. And I owe you an apology for that. I am sorry. Truly.

I’m not here to say“oh! I’ve recognized the problem and in order to correct it, I am going to go back through the archives and write about each subject I’ve promised you.” That would be one way to handle it, sure. But it would also be exhausting and probably unnecessary, on several subjects. I do have lots of drafts of posts I’ve started over time, and I would bet that eventually I will come back to some of them to finish their tales. I also know that a lot of those drafts will die. That’s okay with me. That’s what happens when you create sometimes, not just in blog posts, but in crafting, and cooking, and painting, and more. Sometimes you start things and they get thrown in the trash. Sometimes you start things and you lose motivation. Sometimes you start things and you just give up. This is all a part of life and a part of being a creator.

What I am going to try very hard to do, is stop telling you “I’m going to talk more about this soon!” I’m going to try to recognize that I have no follow through on writing blog posts, and stop making false promises.

I’m going to continue writing when I want to write, and posting when I want to post, and covering what I can, when I can, and what I want to, when I want to.

I’m going to continue to try to add value to what is posted on THS, weither by me, the brilliant Megan, or anyone else who may stumble their way here to share what they know and to give us their stories.

So, there’s that. [< note: every time I say "so, there's that," outloud or typed, in my mind, it is said in the same exact tone and inflect as in the movie Garden State. Anyone else?]

*** Completely unrelated sidenote & an answer to your question:
A while back, someone asked in the comments section if Nick and I were living together or just stay over from time to time. I meant to write a post about this, but never got around to it. [see: this entire post about follow through] So the quick answer for you now: It sort of happened by accident. Nick works near my apartment, and so a lot of time, he stayed over for convenience. Of course, some of his belongings made their way to my place for convenience, too.

One day, we realized it had been a long time since he hadn’t stayed over, and we decided to talk about that. Because that’s what couples do. Or, at the very least, that’s what we do.

[and, yes: I also really like having him there.]

After next month, the plan is to have a merging of stuff; bringing his stuff from his place and out of storage, and moving into my current apartment. Of course, my apartment has been my apartment for so long, and will probably feel like “my” apartment after he officially moves in, too. Plans to move into a different apartment are on the books – but not for quite a while. There are other exciting things going on in our lives which make the apartment hunt less of a priority.

I also am excited to do a real “home search.” [Can you believe of ALL the places I’ve lived, I’ve always moved into the first place I found?] We are looking forward to taking our time, making some lists of must-haves, and looking at several places [if necessary] to find the perfect place to sign our first official lease together.

My mother, of course, gave me her motherly advice, which I know some of you will want to say, too. I totally agree with what she said, which, was the same thing she said last time I moved in with a boy. “Make sure it’s a place you could each afford on your own, too. Just in case anything was to happen.”

I promise, I will. And that’s a promise in which I WILL follow through.

Date Night Jars

Posted by Heather at 6:00 am Relationship

Nov 232011

Things that are an important part of keeping myself happy: alone time, friend time, “group” date time, and one-on-one time with my boyfriend. Each of these are an important part of my life and I try to make each one a priority each week.

Naturally, many of my evenings are spent with Nick, making dinner, watching tv, and simply being in the same room together. It is important to us that we also make time to do things together. Not just dinner and television type things, but experiences that we don’t take part in every day.

We’ve dedicated ourselves to one “date night” [or "date day"] a week. Early in the week we discuss our plans, and come up with ideas for our date. We started throwing ideas back and forth a few weeks ago, and suddenly a list was born. Not too long afterwards, these date night jars were born, too.

We decided to have two jars. At first I suggested having a jar for free dates and a jar for dates which cost money. Then Nick persuaded me to have one jar for dates that cost less that $2 and one jar that costs more than $2, because we can always scrounge up eight quarters

We each shared some suggestions on the list, then I wrote them on paper, folded small, and added to the appropriate jar. I’ve kept a notebook handy nearby, too, for when more ideas cross our minds. Some of the date night ideas are simple, and others are more detailed. Some are go-out-and-do dates, and some are stay-in-and-relax dates. Some are classic favorites [dinner and a movie is still fun, just not fun every week!] and others are new places/sites neither of us has visited. I’d be more than willing to share a list on THS if anyone is interested.

Of course, we won’t need to use the jars every week – for example, this week we are going to see The Muppets!- but it will certainly come in handy when we are looking for a fresh idea on spending some time together. Especially since many of our conversations end up looking a little like this:

H: What do you think?
N: It’s up to you.
H: Well, my decision is that it’s now up to you.

And so on and so forth.

After putting the jars together, I decided to give them a small touch of creative, and added some handwritten paper tags tied with yarn. BONUS! The paper decorations on the jars match this frame I have in my living room perfectly, so I’m thinking a new photo of Nicholas and I may need to be added to it soon! ]

Do you have any fresh ideas for date nights? What is your favorite date activity of all times? Any suggestions we can add to our jars?

Relationship Lessons

Posted by Heather at 4:00 am Relationship

Oct 032011

Back in August, Nicholas and I broke up. Those of you who read THS often may be a bit surprised by this, because I’ve never really stopped mentioning him in the day-to-day tales on this blog. But it’s true.

It was a Wednesday night.
We had a fantastic talk, and decided that we needed to take a few steps backwards.
The next morning I left for the Healthy Living Summit.
We texted a bit that weekend. Being friends with him was easier than I expected. At least on the outside.

The next few weeks were interesting. Hurricane Irene stopped by, followed by lots of rain, and some flooding. There were lots of nights of summer-goodness: sitting on my back porch with a group of friends, laughing the night away. Often times, Nicholas was there, too.

There were days spent at J.Watt’s Barista House, full of both productivity and just hanging out. I was seeping in all the “best NY summer of my life” that I could, while it was still around. Often times, Nicholas was there, too.

During these ‘often times’ where I was still spending a lot of time with Nicholas, I was lying to myself. I tried to tell myself that I was fine being just friends with him. I had a plan: just keep pretending. Pretend that I was over him, pretend that it was easy, pretend that I didn’t want to just hug him, already. I was trying to act so much cooler than I was, and handle everything like I felt I should be handling it. Because, you know, I’m the girl who blogs about her broken engagement. I write about strength, and self-revelation, and blah-blah-blah about the relationship I was in for several years. I should be just fine breaking it off with the guy I dated for a few months one summer.

And because I still had feelings for Nicholas, even though I was trying to hide them, I wanted to be around him. I enjoyed his company and the way being around him made me feel, and the way he treated me. I loved listening to him tell stories, choose music for me to listen to, and even sit in silence for several hours while we both worked on our own stuff – I really liked being around him, no matter what we were doing.

Three weeks [to the day] after we had our initial “break-up” talk, we sat in his car, outside of my apartment, talking for hours. We talked about us. About our relationship. About our feelings for one another, and what we were both feeling about giving our relationship another shot. He said he missed me. [I swooned.] I told him I adored him. [I don’t think he was surprised.] Eventually, he kissed me. [If I hadn’t been sitting down in his car, my foot definitely would have popped a-la Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries.]

During those few weeks of singleness, as I was processing the relationship and the break up, and writing my way through my emotions, I found myself with a list of revelations and reminders; things I realized after the fact, as I was sorting through my feelings and analyzing the actions taken place and words exchanged from the months prior.

Relationship Revelations & Reminders:

1. My current boyfriend is not my ex-fiancé. He shouldn’t have to answer for the things in my past. He shouldn’t have to prove himself trustworthy, just because I felt pain in because of my past relationship. Nicholas deserves my trust because he’s never done anything to make me not trust him. Nicholas deserves my respect because of who he is, how he treats me, and the regard in which he holds our relationship. I can not fear getting close to him because of the last time I was close to a man.

I can not expect Nicholas to act the way that my ex did. The bad ways, and the good ways. The truth is – I am not the same Heather as I was back then, either. I can’t allow myself to act like her. I need to PULL UP THE ANCHOR so that I can move forward.

2. I need more time to myself. To grow. To challenge. To meet the goals I am setting for myself. When Nicholas and I first started dating, I had gotten wrapped up in our relationship, and forgot about how much I cherish my alone time.

As a matter of fact, I realized that when I first started dating my ex, we were already best friends and working together in a ministry. I was already spending almost all of my time with him. The person I dated before my ex-fiancé was the same situation. We started dating after we were already spending almost every day together. The same goes for the person I dated before him. Three.in.a.row.

Naturally, when I started dating Nicholas, I assumed that the thing to do was to spend every free moment with him. I had forgotten about the independence I had found over the past two years of living on my own and became a bit, dare I say, ridiculously needy. We had only been hanging out for a few weeks, and once we had started dating, I thought we needed to spend every evening together. Apparently I missed the lesson on how adult relationships work.

3. Honesty remains the best policy. Still and always.