I’ve had a draft saved titled “March 2013 Goals” for several weeks now. I settled on a final list a few days before March officially arrived, yet I haven’t felt motivated to finish my post detailing which of my February goals were hits versus misses. I haven’t felt motivated to share the goals I decided on for this month. I haven’t felt motivated to do any sort of work towards said goals. I haven’t felt motivated for much of anything; especially in terms of sharing myself through this little blog these days.
I’ve been feeling pretty much the way Elizabeth explains in her post from earlier this week; “To say I am feeling a bit stressed lately would be an understatement. To say I would like to hole up in my condo with a limitless supply of Cheese Doodles (and without contact with the outside world) would not be an understatement.” [sub kettle corn for cheese doodles, of course.]
I know that stress and worry is something we create ourselves, and I promise I’m trying to make this confession of said anxieties sounds as least whiny as possible. I have brought this into my life and I’ve been on a mission to fight the impending “burn out” I’ve felt looming over my head for the past several weeks. [Mission was launched after an over-emotional, over-tired, weekend of doubt and tears paired with the watching of the docu-film, Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop.] I am in control of my emotions, my time, my priorities – and yet I haven’t yet found the balance I feel like I’ve been searching for in the past several years.
My biggest challenge has been accepting the fact that my to-do list is always going to be there and there will always be things to add to it, too. I have a tendency to guilt myself into a black hole any moment I’m not GO!-GO!-GOING!, and it’s been a real fight not to fall into this habit in 2013. I remind myself that I am the boss of myself and my internet-life and that I can work as many hours as I want to work, and no one is going to yell at me. If I need to take a step back from one responsibility I have bestowed upon myself, or another, it will all be okay. If I need to postpone a deadline or push back a project, it will be just fine.
The funny thing is, these tasks and items of “to-do” all fall under the “my passion” file header. I love the blogging community, and sharing my life through THS, and every part of HLB, and all that takes place in creating the Summit. Each and every task is something I genuinely enjoy, no matter if it falls under the THS, HLB, or HLS heading. Honestly, it confuses me – how can I love participating in all these tasks, and yet feel so very down in the dumps when I think about all that needs to be done? How can I long for a break when I love getting to work with such a great team or people who I consider more than just internet co-workers, but my dearest friends and favorite people on the planet? How can I want to crawl under my bed and hide from the option of spending time creating and planning and organizing – three of my favorite activities? How can I turn my back on list making!?!?
These kind of questions send me into a mind-spiral, for certain. The important thing and the healthy thing is to prevent the overwhelming anxiety I have found myself facing as March bestowed herself upon us. “It’s okay to take a break” is written on a square of paper at my desk. “It’s okay to say no” is scribbled on the page marker in my day planner. “Enjoy life and enjoy living it” is the mantra I’ve held tight to lately.
Today I am throwing away the first list I made for my March 2013 Goals. I have created a new list. A list of less. A list of enjoying life and enjoying living it. A list free of nagging tasks and goals I’m not feeling, and full of rest and pause and simply being.
March 2013 Goals
Talk to a friend.
I’ve been holding all of this in until now because I don’t want to be the burden friend who is always complaining about self-imposed stress and worry. I’ve been holding all of this in because it’s easier to hide from it and avoid the topic and just pretend like I’m not crumbling. I’ve been holding all of this in because I am a fool. And I’m done with that.
Spend time with people. Period.
Real talk: I have a tendency to put tasks above relationships when it comes to my priority list, which is something I truly hate about myself. Every time I make plans with a friend, go away for the weekend, or attend a party, I feel like I need to “make up” all the time I wasn’t working with late night hours or by setting my alarm clock for way too early the next day. If I don’t find a way to make up the time, I feel like a failure and stress over how “far behind” I am until I am able to have a 3-day weekend of uninterrupted productivity, made by scheduling PTO from the office so that I can work at home. I really would love to pour some energy into my relationships with humans this month and not feel like I need to compensate for it with more time working.
Read whatever I want to read, whenever I want to read it.
Currently I’m excited for the #hlbbookclub pick, Julie & Julia from Julie Powell, and a large stack of magazines that have taken residence at my apartment over the past few weeks.
Because I was recently reminded of the power held in a good nap. Recommended reading: Change Your Life without Getting out of Bed from SARK
After having said ALL of that, I urge you to read this post from Rachel, please. I want to add a disclaimer to so many of the sentences above. Let’s just call Rachel’s discussion on the privilege of blogging be a step toward that disclaimer, okay? Getting Meta: Better Homes and Bloggers