I wish that I could hate you.
Sometimes I try, but it doesn’t work.
I want to hate you, because of the things we’ve gone through in the past. I want to hate you because of the things you did. I want to hate you because of the things you didn’t do, too. I want to hate you because of the way you made me feel before, and the way I still feel, on occasion. I want to hate you because it should be easy to hate you, and that perhaps hating you would take away some of my doubt. I want to hate you because people always seem a bit surprised that I don’t hate you, which makes me feel like I should hate you.
But I don’t. Sometimes I try, but I can’t. And all that happens is I start to hate myself for the lack of being able to hate you.
I want to hate you when I hear from you or about you. It’s completely irrational. I want to hate you because you are being mature, and respecting me, my feelings, and my life. I want to hate you because it took you so long to learn how to respect me. Years of time together only gained distrust and harm, and a year apart has caused you to be the bigger man. And I want to hate you.
But I don’t. Instead I defend you. I protect you. I think about you. And, once in a while, I miss you, too. I especially hate that.
I don’t miss you as a significant part of my romantic life, but sometimes I miss you for your friendship. It’s completely selfish, and I am aware of this, and even okay with it, too. I miss the way you knew me, and that we had enough history that you knew what I needed and when I needed it. Encouragement, and comfort, and motivation to get my ass in gear.
When I fall and twist my ankle and worry I may need to go to the doctor, I hate that I can’t call you. But I don’t hate you. When I get locked out of my apartment and can’t get a hold of my landlord, I hate that I can’t call you to save the day. Yet I still don’t hate you.
Also, I hate that I have to be the one that vacuums, now. Basically, anytime that life doesn’t go my way, I try to blame you and the fact that I am now single, in upstate New York, in that damn apartment we rented together – two names on a lease that legally bound us together even after the ring left my finger and the bind between us broke apart.
I want to hate you, but I can’t.
The funny thing is, “I believe” that hate is never right, and love is never wrong. Lovewins, I say. Lovewins, I write in blog posts, and display on my refrigerator, and contemplate tattooing on my wrist. Yet I find myself wanting to hate you. It’s complex and confusing and I wish I had some answers to the questions I keep asking, but they never seem to come. Apparently, all I can do is be patient and wait for the healing and the answers to make their way into my heart, or at least until I begin to understand that the answers may never come.
I hate that they may never come. I hate that I know I shouldn’t blame you.
I don’t hate you, and I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t help but feel damaged. In the great kitchen store of life, I’m a delicate serving platter with a big ole chip, sitting on a bottom shelf in the back of the building marked for clearance. I sometimes wonder if I declare a lesser value of my heart, or life, or potential because of what was, and more specifically, what wasn’t. I know it’s not true. I know that I’m enough, and valuable, and worthy, and that it’s just silly for me to think anything different. But I want to blame you for the chip. I want to say it’s your fault. I want to say you dropped me, and therefore, I’m no longer perfect. But if I wasn’t so damn delicate, I never would have gotten chipped in the first place.
I don’t hate you. Even though I try. Even though I want to. Even though that’s wrong.
Often times, I thank you. I find myself explaining my story to a new friend, or someone who wants to know more about my experience with a broken engagement and a broken heart, and I say, so often, “I am so thankful that he had the courage.” I mean it, too. Because I can not even begin to imagine how miserable I would be if we were married.
Perhaps I just need to remind myself what it felt like back then and what it feels like now. I have felt such freedom in the last year and a half. I’ve broken out of a coffin I had found myself in for a variety of reasons. I feel like I learned how to breathe for the first time in a long time and that I am finally me again. My burial was not your fault, this I am sure. And although you were the one to cut the ties binding me down, I refuse to give you credit for the life I lead now.
Because the life I lead now has nothing to do with hate, and everything to do with love. In the last year and a half I have learned what loving myself truly feels like. I have learned what it is like to put myself first, in order to grow in care and kindness of others. I have experienced a deepening of my heart, and a blossoming of self awareness and self esteem.
So, although I often try to hate you but can’t, I must remind myself that not only should I refuse to blame you, but perhaps I shouldn’t thank you either. You do not deserve hatred, this I know. But what I also know is that I deserve some credit, too. I deserve to be seen as I am – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. The delicateness, the strength, the chip; the full price and the discount.
The hatred, slowly, steadily, begins to melt. The hatred and the hope of hatred. Melts, melts, melts.
What a great post!! Sometimes putting all of those feeling out there can start to bring some closure! Hope you have a great weekend!
Karen recently posted..Not Quite Myself
Incredible post — wonderful pictures. Thanks for sharing, as always. It’s so hard to decipher between what we think we “should” feel (I shouldn’t hate him, I shouldn’t blame him… or, alternatively, I SHOULD hate him, and who else is there to blame?) vs. what we actually are feeling, and how that’s changing over time.
Bethany @Bridezilla Bakes recently posted..Get Real- Sometimes- I need you to leave me alone
for me, hate was never the end goal because hate is not the opposite of love. Hate involves way too much time–way too much passion. Indifference is the opposite of love. All i ever wanted was to feel indifferent. I remember praying that i could one day hate him, because i knew that love felt worse than hate would but i just couldn’t get there. And then I did. I really did. After about the 200th unsuccessful time asking him to not contact me, i really hated him. Then, over the next 8 or so months i stopped hating him and just stopped caring about it. It was like a giant pendulum of emotion… i was swung so far in one direction (love) that i needed to go all the way to the other (hate) in order to end up in the middle–unmoving, peaceful indifference. That was just me though, i knew even the moment we broke up that that would be my journey: love, hate, indifference. and now, i’m still quite indifferent with a little “i hope good things happen to him too” thrown in there… which is good, it’s been quite a journey! The best part of the journey though was definitely the learning to love myself part–it’s made all the difference moving forward and in my new relationship.
Emily @ aladyinlove recently posted..back to basics- finding the perfect mascara
I understand. I hate, even though I don’t want to. I pretend not to, but my mind does it anyway.
Thank you for opening up like this. I love knowing that even though you “have it all together” it’s okay to crumble sometimes.
Miss you dear. <3
Jessica recently posted..Under Water
i love you, roomie! [and i clearly DONT have it "all together" - but you know I like that you think I do
]
<3
Katie H recently posted..Feature Friday & Shrimp Caprese
Heather.
I could try to love you more, but I’d never manage. cause I just adore you.
This post is my favorite post of ANY blogger in a long, long, long time… months probably.
You continue to blow me away with the power of your self reflection and self awareness. You’re strong, and some of that strength shows when you have the courage to take that HARD look and see what’s really there.
That hate is easy, and comforting, and so much more appealing than loving someone who is responsible for a great amount of pain… but again, you choose to be true to yourself, over and over. Choose to be true to love. true to forgiveness.
I’m just awestruck.
And I just think you’re amazing.
What a beautiful, and for me, relate-able post.
You are amazing and beautiful and talented beyond words.
Thank you, so much, Megan. You are v. sweet.
Your writing gives me the chills!
What a beautiful, honest, touching post. This brought tears to my eyes! I wish you the best.
You’ve expressed how I feel about Chris in so many ways. So much disappointment and expectation in that relationship…SIGHHH. We don’t hate them, we never could. And look how many lessons we’ve learned about ourselves, about love. Someday we’ll get to keep the kindest boys for ourselves. Now we get to heal and be the best we can be. Love, me.
Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher recently posted..Because I like you
you are such an amazingly talented writer. the emotion you convey is truly moving to read. loved this post, heather!
Julie @ Peanut Butter Fingers recently posted..What Do You Call Your In-Laws
Thank you, Julie!!!
Wow.
I read this and almost cried because I know EXACTLY how you feel. If I wasn’t at work, I probably would have cried! I’m still dealing with some of these thoughts even 2 years after a bad terrible awful soul-crushing breakup. I’ve found it takes time and effort to not hate the person who broke your heart, so much so that I’ve often found myself putting him up on a pedestal in an effort to not hate. And then I am sad, missing this great man I once had, and then…if I’m lucky…reality kicks in and I realize he doesn’t belong up there on that perch, but instead on level ground with me. And the reality is that I should stop seeing him for the man I know he could be and instead see him for the man he was/is.
Whew! It’s like a therapy session up in hurrrr.
Haha
Raya recently posted..Kodak Photobook!
yes, exactly.