This is a post about the Healthy Living Summit.
This is not a post about what I ate. This is not a post filled with photos of my new friends. This is not a post detailing how much I learned about Strength Training, or blog photography, or ethical eating, or fueling for fitness. This is not a post showcasing my swag bag and explaining that I’m just not sure how I’m going to get everything home. This is a post about more than that.
When I sat down on the L at 5:15 Friday Morning, I found my self in a bit of THS history. The last time I was on the blue line, from O’Hare towards Forest Park, was several years ago, when a good friend of mine and I had decided to come visit Chi-town for New Years Eve. The night of my arrival, I learned some disheartening information.
At the time, the ex and I were broken up, but we would find ourselves dating again a few months later. Regardless of the fact that the night I was on the blue line, from O’Hare to Forest Park, I had learned that he had cheated. More than once. With my friend, who shared this information with me.
This isn’t to be said so that you can hate him. Or my friend. I didn’t share this to gain pity, or support, or to say mean things about him on the internet, trying to form the first official blog-inspired “Team Heather". But I needed to share. And this is why.
When I started dating him again, I was lost. When I looked into the mirror, I didn’t see a fat girl, or a thin girl, or really a girl at all. At the time, although I didn’t realize it, I only saw a ghost.
I had lost my self, in the desire for his love. I felt like my ex was completely out of my league, as I was overweight and unhealthy and lacking any kind of confidence to even be aware of my awesomeness; on the inside or the outside. I thought he was my last chance for happiness – somebody to love me until death do us part. I feared no man ever would love me, after him, and I compromised so much of who I was for the false hope of a dream I thought I needed to be happy.
While I was speaking on the panel titled, The Ups and Downs of Pushing Publish, the wheels in my heart started to turn faster than the wheels in my head. I started thinking about honor and respect. I can’t blame him for not giving me the honor and respect I deserved, because, honestly, I wasn’t giving myself the honor or respect I deserved. I didn’t know how. Not yet.
When my dear, sweet, friend Katie spoke during the last presentation, I cried. Chills ran down my spine as she shared her story, while I was nodding my head so often in agreement, tears running down my cheek, one after another. Throughout the remainder of the discussion and when the attendees in the audience started sharing their own stories, the revelations began.
When I started blogging at THS, I never intended to be part of this amazing community. It just sort of happened. And excuse the cheese, but I think it may have been fate. Very early this morning, Julie and I sat in the hall way outside our hotel room and a discussion arose about where we found ourselves. While attending HLS, I realized how much blogging has really changed my life – not only have I made amazing friendships and connections with people all over the world, but I have also made an amazing friendship and connection with myself.
In the last 11 months, I have learned about honor and respect. From each and every one of you who read this. And from each and every one of you who blog. This community has helped me to find myself. To know myself. And to love myself.
If it wasn’t for THS, and Healthy Living Bloggers, I am afraid I might be lost, again. Or maybe even still. When I look into the mirror now, I no longer see the ghost. I see a strong, confident woman who honestly loves life, and stands firm in her beliefs. I see someone who wants to be honest and not ashamed. I see someone motivated to continue to make one decision at a time, who exercises to get healthy, not skinny. I see someone who doesn’t feel guilty for who she is. I see someone who wants to say thank you.
Thank You.