Elegant Truth

 Posted by at 7:15 pm  Relationship
Jun 202010
 

I’ve had this quote on my facebook page for years.

I think maybe elegance and honesty are synonyms. You know? If you’re perfectly honest then you tend to be very elegant. It’s better to find your inner elegance and not watch outside and see what you think others are doing that are elegant- you can’t do that, you can’t compare yourself to anyone else. You know, you are elegant. God made you elegant. It’s up to you to uncover that elegance. –Isaac Mizrahi

 

The past few weeks, I’ve been taking steps towards being more honest, and I suppose with that comes a step towards being more elegant.

 

There are things I’ve been keeping a secret out of a fear of disappointing others.
There are things I’ve been hiding in pride and fear of embarrassment and humility.
There are things I’ve kept buried because I don’t want to hurt other people, no matter how much pain the secret keeping has been causing me.
And, of course, there are things I have been keeping under wraps because it is easier that way. 

 

I’m done with the easy way. 

 

Let me tell you a secret that I struggle to remember from time to time. Honesty is the best policy. The relief I’ve experienced during and after the conversations of sharing truth with loved ones has been so freeing.  If there is something you have been avoiding telling someone in your life out of fear of one kind or another, I encourage you to stare yourself in the mirror.  If you look deep into your eyes far enough, you will see it.  The strength.  The strength that lies deep down inside of each of us to do the right thing, to move forward, and to do what is next.  Sitting stagnant in anxiety is not a healthy place to be sitting. 

The tag line of THS is make one healthy decision; then make another.  Earlier this week, I made one healthy decision, to talk to my mom about a bunch of stuff I had dug a deep, deep hole to hide.  I spoke to her on the phone a few times, and shared my heart with her.  I didn’t hide behind a fear of disappointing her.  I didn’t hide behind a desire to come off as stronger than I am.  I told her my struggles, and I cried to her in honesty and weakness.  And she reminded me that in my weakness, I am strong.  She reminded me that I can’t get rid of her, and that she will always love me.  She told me I was stuck with her.  I told her that there was no one else in the entire world that I would ever want to be stuck with.  The truth is if life was exactly how I wanted it right now, I would be living in their house in Denton, because there is no one I would rather eat dinner with each day of the week, no one I would rather see every morning, no one I would rather have be apart of my day.  I love my family intensely.

 

I am so thankful for my parents.  I know this is something that many, many people say.  I know that many, many people believe their parents are amazing, and that they don’t deserve all the love and support they receive from them.  This doesn’t make it any less true.  For others, or for me.

 

A few years ago, if you would have asked me if I was close to my family I would have said no. It’s not that I ever felt far from my family, but in comparison to the women who speak to their parents on the phone at least once a day, I was no where near being what society, or Hollywood directors (how I often compare my life), may view as “close.”  There have been periods of my life where I have gone months with out speaking to my parents or siblings – and never because we were fighting or upset with one another.  It was never with purpose.  It was also, however, never a priority.  This is not a complaint, and shouldn’t be read with even a hint of negativity.  I am so thankful for the years that we didn’t talk all of the time because they helped me to grow intensely. And the time I did spend with my family, whether face to face or through technology, was so special to me because it wasn’t as frequent. It had nothing to do with my parents’ wishes, because I am well aware they both made several phone calls that went unreturned for weeks and weeks at a time.  The truth is I was selfish and didn’t even realize how much I needed them.  I constantly put them on back burner, and moved along with out a second thought.  I was independent and thought I was taking care of myself successfully.

I was recently thinking about how much of my previous relationships I never shared with my family.  I never was one to share many details about the guys I was dating with them.  I never shared stories about crushes with my sister.  I slightly remember having boyfriends that my parents didn’t really know about, or meet.  And although my family knew that  I was dating my former fiancé the years leading up to the engagement, I can’t recall very many conversations with them about the relationship.  My love life was something I kept pretty much under cover, until I had a ring on my finger and moved across the country to plan a wedding and start preparing for marriage.  I think I hid my crushes and relationships a secret from my family because I was always somewhat ashamed.  The truth is up until a little less than a year ago, I didn’t think I deserved romantic love and especially not a happy, healthy relationship.  These are issues I’ve been working through slowly over the course of the last eleven months or so, and I know they stem from a lot of different areas in my life.  My self image was so warped that I was desperate to hold onto any one who supposedly loved me, out of a fear that there would never be anyone else to do so.  This is how I found myself in an ugly place; six weeks prior to walking down the aisle to marry a man I never should have been engaged to in the first place.  It’s not a regret, in any regard, because I am better off now than I ever was before thanks to what has taken place this last year.  I am thankful for the lessons I have learned and the pain I have faced; it has made me stronger than I ever imagined I could be. 

 

Last night, I put my strength to use when I confronted the former fiancé and told him that I can’t be friends with him any longer. 

 

OKAY – Before I go any further, I need to address a few things, because this is my blog, and my life, and I have every right to do so.

 

My parents read my blog.  So do my grandparents, my siblings, perhaps a few aunts and uncles and definitely some cousins.  People who I graduated high school with, and haven’t actually spoken to in person since then read this blog.  People who I went to college with, and who were my residents read my blog.  So do my former students who I spent several nights a week teaching and leading and giving advice to.  Teachers and Pastors I’ve had occasionally read my blog. People I’ve worked with and for read my blog.  Some of my former fiancé’s family reads my blog, and people who met me through him read it, too.  People who believed in us as a couple and people who never thought we would last. 

Also, people who I have never met in person read this blog.  Some people read my blog
because we are blends and they support what I am doing here. Some people may read this blog because they are entertained by it. Some people read THS out of curiosity.  Maybe some people read this blog because they actually get something out of it.  Maybe not.  But I know that some people stumble upon this blog because they Google things like “broken engagement” and “next step after cancelled wedding” and “healing from broken relationship.”  And then there are some people that read my blog because they have to know the dirt. They hear I’ve posted something about my previous relationship, and they coming running to get the gossip.  Then, perhaps, they go back to their friends to speak poorly of me, and my life.

The truth is, there are many reasons people might read my blog.  There are also many reasons why I blog what the way I do.

I don’t share my stories for you to lurk and feel better about yourself when you read that I am overweight.
I don’t mention struggles and hard times in order to gain sympathy.
I do so for the people that read because they need to read. People that come here through a Google search because they feel alone.  I do so for the people who are facing similar struggles and need someone to relate to. 

I also share these posts for the people that I want to stay in touch with and who are interested in keeping up with me.  Friends who work opposite shifts than me, and we can never find time to chat.  Relatives who I only see or speak to a few times a year.  People who want to know how I’m doing because they care about me striving, not failing.
 
I do so for myself too, because I’m selfish and vain, and want to document what I’m learning.  I’m not ashamed of the mistakes I’ve made, the friendships I’ve let fall to the wayside, the irresponsibility I’ve partaken in.  I’m not ashamed of the “bad things” I’ve done in my life time.  I’m not ashamed of the lessons I’ve learned and the steps I’ve taken towards the healthiest version of myself – and no I don’t just mean weight loss.

The truth is you have a right to read this blog for whatever reason your heart desires.  Just as I have a right to share for whatever reasons I have. Even if you don’t understand them, it’s still my right. 

I know that it’s sometimes difficult for people to understand why I would want to share my opinions and struggles so freely with the world wide web – and that’s okay.  I know that it sometimes shocks people how transparent I am with my heart and my fears – and that’s okay, too.  The truth is if you don’t like what you are reading, you are free to stop.

 

That being said, last night I had a heart to heart with the man who once asked me to marry him.  If you aren’t familiar, the short story is we moved across the country, to a town I didn’t know a soul, just a few weeks after we were engaged.  Then we planned a wedding.  Then we cancelled a wedding.  There was pain and there was forgiveness. Neither have stopped. The truth is there is no secret formula for the healing that must take place to restore a broken heart.  There is a learning curve, and, also, a healing curve.  I truly believe that although I have no romantic desire for him any longer, I will be healing from this break up, and the relationship, for a long time.  Oddly, it’s kind of exciting – knowing that I’m in the middle of this process.  I’m learning and growing and changing, and chasing after the best version of myself I can be.  I am searching through the past seven years of my life and facing a lot of the pain and confusion and uncertainty that I buried for multiple reasons. I’m facing those reasons, too.   

I was flipping through last year’s June issue of Self today.  In it, Jillian Michael’s says something about how the word selfish isn’t a bad word.  This has been a lesson I’ve had to remind myself of a lot lately.  Sometimes the best thing for all parties involved is to put yourself first

When it comes to any sort of friendship I’ve had with my former fiancé, I’ve often put myself in the back seat. I also am well aware that it was through putting myself in the backseat that I found myself in that ugly place I’ve mentioned before.  I’m not exactly sure when I realized I needed to just get out of the car – I’m quite certain it was sometime that I was in Madison, with Julie and Ashley, who helped me to realize, on more than one occasion, how much I am worth and what I deserve.  I’m not saying that through his and my friendship the last several months that I was being mistreated or not being valued by him. But perhaps I was mistreating myself, and stealing value from myself too.

The truth is I can not heal completely by having a friendship with him.  For several reasons, most of which I probably haven’t even discovered yet, but mostly because I find myself protecting him still, to others and to myself.  The truth is we are not married, and I do not need to defend him.  I shouldn’t care about his reaction to things I may share, on the internet or otherwise.  I don’t need to be concerned with how my healing process is affecting him, but rather how it is affecting me. The truth is there are more than two sides to every story, and I have just as much of a right to explore my emotions and share my discoveries as he does. 

I’ve found myself ignoring things I need healing from because he was my friend.  I’ve found myself taking bits of information and placing them in the box of “later” and hiding it under my bed.  I’ve found myself wanting to talk to my family about things, and work through pain and confusion with loved ones, yet feeling I couldn’t because I still cared about how that would make him feel.  It is not my place to take care of him. It is my place to take care of me. I need to stop avoiding things and start moving through them; the pain, the confusion, the growth and the healing.

I shared a lot of this truth with him last night.  I shared that it was the best for both of us.  And for anyone who we may be with in the future. The truth is I remember what it was like to compete with ex-girlfriends in his life.  I don’t want to be that for someone else. Now or later. I don’t want to make someone special in my life feel like he has to compete, either.

The truth is I’ve held on to his friendship, much too selfishly, for the past eleven months.  I haven’t made a permanent break up until now, even when I’ve felt it necessary before, because I didn’t want to be considered alone.  I know other people here, but he and I have known each other for years, and deep down, I feared that if I made this sever that I would lose some sort of security.  But, the truth is, I don’t need him and he doesn’t need me.  If I end up at the hospital for any reason, there are other people in my life who I can call on.  If I find myself in a tough situation, there are other people I can call.  If I am sc
ared, I can rely on many other people to pray, or advise, or speak wisdom into my life.  I don’t need him. He doesn’t need me.

The truth is the person you need most in the world, isn’t family, or spouse, or best friend.  It isn’t a wise teacher, or confidant, or accountability partner.  The person you need most in the world isn’t the person who you share everything with, or who you’ve known forever, or who you can call on during any emergency.  The person you need most in the world is yourself. When you come to terms with that truth, you will uncover elegance in abundance. Even if you don’t quite know it yet.

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  34 Responses to “Elegant Truth”

  1. You are amazing. And this is amazing. And I have chills reading it and it is SO true. And I will probably come back and leave a THS-sized comment after I let it stew some more.

  2. this post took my breath away…still processing it…but wow.

  3. I can never come up with adequate words to respond to something like this.
    …I need a Like! button… or a Super Like! button…or a LOVELOVELOVE! button…

  4. I like this post. I love that there is beauty in your honesty. I think that you are a beautiful person on the inside and the outside and you should never settle for less than you deserve, which is the best, clearly.

    Rock on girlfriend, you’re amazing.

  5. Hi heather– I’m a lurker, I’m a bit ashamed to say. I read many blogs, but there are few that I feel are as valuable and honest as yours. The way that you tackle issues in your life is with grace and an open heart to the truly good things that life CAN bring your way if you are looking for them. I loved reading this; I rarely comment but I couldn’t help it here. I am often a coward an shirk the honest response when its most needed, thanks for giving me a little more courage.

  6. I hope you don’t think your wordiness makes your statements less valid. Because the truth in your statements is wonderful. Your honesty is brilliant – even if it takes a while for it to come.

    If anything, your style of writing makes it more relatable and more real.

    :)

  7. This is amazing. I have chills and tears and I’m going to have to read this more than once before I fully get just how honest and amazing it is.

  8. What a beautiful post… incredible. This quote:
    “If you look deep into your eyes far enough, you will see it. The strength. The strength that lies deep down inside of each of us to do the right thing, to move forward, and to do what is next. Sitting stagnant in anxiety is not a healthy place to be sitting.”

    Well I can’t even tell you how it touched me. It gave me the encouragement to do just that, what I need to do to move forward, as hard as it may be. Thank you.

  9. you are inspirational. you are beautiful. this was an incredibly raw post and I am amazed by your self-awareness and honesty.

  10. “The person you need most in the world is yourself. ”
    I can’t stop thinking about how TRUE this is.

  11. Ahhh I have chills and teared up with those last few sentences. Love love your honesty. I think this is so beautiful and admire the journey you’re on. You are amazing!

  12. heather.heather.heather.

    Another homerun in the post department. So beautiful and eloquently written. This is just so true, and NO one, NO ONE could have said it better. You have a gift my friend. Thank you for using it.

  13. Do everything for you and there should never be a regret from that, everyone may not like it but they are not living your life!

  14. Your post made me smile. Your post made me feel your inner strength. Your post made me nod my head and basically say “right on.”
    So many of us are givers, we spend so much time making sure others are treated fairly, considering others, being kind to others – and while all these are good things, it doesn’t mean anything when in the process we’re ignoring our own needs and what is healthy for ourselves. Putting yourself first is hard if you’re a person who likes to please others, it continually amazes me just how hard it is – because the guilt, the guilt of putting yourself first always seems to pop up… causing apologies to burst forth from your mouth. But in reality, it’s important. There are people who can put themselves first without a second thought. There’s something very admirable about that ability. For those of us who have to fight to do it, we need to remember that we can be caring and compassionate people, and we can actually be MORE so when we’re caring for ourselves, when we provide ourselves with the inner strength to stand on our own two feet.
    You are an admirable person. You are a strong person. Remind yourself of this as often as necessary.

  15. You know my thoughts :)

    I love you so much, friend! This is beautiful! You are so brave and so strong! I know God has great things in store for you!

  16. oooooooh, babygirl.

    This is a great post.

    I’m so PROUD of you… but not just for “cutting the tie” or whatever, because that’s your choice…

    I’m proud of you for waiting to cut the tie until YOU were ready to MAKE that choice. I’m proud of you for not just doing it when friends or family might have suggested it 6 months ago… because then it wouldn’t have been the same or had the same impact.

    Once again, I’m proud of you for listening to your OWN heart.

    xoxo
    love you so,
    k

    PS. I totally support your urge to go back and live at your parents house again, so we can be neighbors and walk to the new yogurt place together! HEHEEE!

  17. I love this post, you are an inspiration! I hope you realise just how strong you are :)

  18. Heather, I read your blog because I like you. I think you are an amazing person and respect you.
    Well done on doing what needed to be done for you. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

  19. Hello, I am a new follower and I have been spending the last 15-20 minutes reading your blog and I have to say. THANK YOU!! You make me feel that not only am I not alone in this, that there is someone who is (like me) doing something to change in a healthy happy direction. Who felt (feels) the same way as I do. I am adding you to my google reader now!

  20. This post really, really.. like really resonated with me! You inspired me to take steps to remove somebody from my day to day life as well.

    You are such a brave, wonderful woman for being as candid and honest as you are. :) Love your blog.

  21. I found your blog through another blogger and I love it! I really relate to a lot of what you write, and this post in particular really made me feel like I was reading my own thoughts. I’ve been going through a lot of the same self discovery as you. Love reading your blog :)

  22. I found your blog through another blogger and I love it! I really relate to a lot of what you write, and this post in particular really made me feel like I was reading my own thoughts. I’ve been going through a lot of the same self discovery as you. Love reading your blog :)

  23. i just wanted to pop out and say that i read your blog because i met you on spark and followed you here and i love, love, LOVE your writing. You are so talented, and it is your openness to the whole world wide web that makes you such a powerful writer! i actually even have to read back posts when i get behind because i feel like i lose the thread otherwise. so keep sharing!

    xo

    molli

    • Molli – I just wanted to say THANK YOU for this v. sweet comment. I just reread it – several several months later and it made me so happy in my heart! xo

  24. [...] My Place Balancing the Positive and Negative Thoughts Strength Personal Diary Entry: The Day After Break Up #2: THE elegant TRUTH NWD from → broken engagement ← HLS Videos No comments yet Click here [...]

  25. [...] My Place Balancing the Positive and Negative Thoughts Strength Personal Diary Entry: The Day After Break Up #2: THE elegant TRUTH NWD from → broken engagement ← HLS Videos No comments yet Click here [...]

  26. There are just so many people that I want to pass this post along to, in hopes that your word can comfort them. This post was nothing short of amazing.

  27. There are just so many people that I want to pass this post along to, in hopes that your word can comfort them. This post was nothing short of amazing.

  28. [...] ring in the box.  You know you’ve found joy in your decision to not be friends, your step in refusing him access.  Guarding your heart, for it’s the wellspring of life.  This was perhaps the healthiest [...]

  29. [...] ring in the box.  You know you’ve found joy in your decision to not be friends, your step in refusing him access.  Guarding your heart, for it’s the wellspring of life.  This was perhaps the healthiest [...]

  30. I’ve just recently stumbled upon your blog. I wanted to say good for you for taking the necessary steps to heal your heart. In a much too familiar way your words struck a cord with me as I too had to end a friendship with my ex this past week. “The truth is I can not heal completely by having a friendship with him,” don’t I know it and thank you! Best of luck to you!

  31. Just came across your blog and was really touched by your honesty. You are worth all of your dreams.

    A Brit!

  32. just stumbled across your blog from blog her.

    this is a wonderful post.

    i have a very full plate and selfish is one of the best things i can be.

    cheers to you!
    alisha recently posted..52 weeks of happiness::week 38

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